UnForge

Friday, January 06, 2012
1021 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

So, yesterday could have been better in some ways and worse in others.  I had my colonoscopy and EGD or upper GI scopes done.  The prep did not go well, as I ended up throwing up a little bit half way through.  Then, with two glasses to go, I threw up a lot.  It was the first time I remember throwing up blood.  That scared me a little bit.  It was from the actual act of throwing up, though, they told me.  I’ve always thrown up violently.  I don’t know why.  But this is the first time there was blood.  Maybe I’m just getting old?  Perhaps.  So, I finished the prep after calling the doctor to make sure what I should be doing.  Then, I had bowel movements after all the laxatives up to about midnight when I went to bed.  Then I woke up around 3Am with another and 6AM with another.  Then another at 9AM at Lisa’s office.  Well, at the bathroom there – not like, on her floor or something.

She had to drive me to the Endoscopy center because you can’t drive home afterward.  We stopped by her office as it is on the way, and dropped her stuff off.  It was chaotic as one of her coworkers had had her laptop stolen the night before.  I did get to meet quite a few of her peers, however, and this was good.  I can put faces to names a bit better now when she speaks of them.  I am a face person.  Simply saying names does not do a lot for me.  Anyhow, she drove me to the center, I got checked in, and then she left.  I was already feeling sick, had a headache, and sweating badly.  They got me into the waiting area where you prep – stripping off your clothes, get your IV for fluids and such, etc…  It was here that things got worse.  I ended up throwing up quite violently.  I calmed down a bit as nurses and such kept asking me if I were okay.  The anesthesiologist even tried to make a joke about how the nurses never asked him if he was okay, in order to lift my spirits.  Then, right before the procedure, I had to go to the bathroom.  I got in there, I had another of what I refer to as “Fire-hydrant-out-the-ass” maneuvers that can only come from being really sick or having taken an enormous amount of laxatives.  Before even finishing I knew I was going to throw up again.  I got done, just got my hands washed, and then turned and ran back to the toilet and began throwing up again.  At this point they decided I needed to start getting shots of Zofram (?) or something like that for my nausea.  It helped some.  They got me back in bed, wheeled into the actual procedure room, and shortly thereafter anesthetized.

Blissful darkness.

I woke up in the recovery room.  I felt like I had a sore throat and heavy weight on my chest.  You have to cough a lot and fart a lot after these procedures.  They pump you full of air from the bottom so that the colon is distended and they can see all of it.  My colon was actually fine.  Not even a hemorrhoid to explain the bleeding I have from time to time.  The doctor reported “The examined portion of the ileum was normal.  This was biopsied.  The colon is normal.  This was biopsied.”  End of story.  That is good to know.  Every test that comes back okay is one less thing that could be wrong with me.  They may not be able to give me answer for why I having the symptoms I am having, but they are excluding conditions that it could be.  I will take what I can get.  Like in any other problem – eliminate what it isn’t and you are left with what it is.  The upper GI, or EGD, did have some findings.

The doctor reported on the EGD, “Normal esophagus.  Non-bleeding erosive gastropathy.  This was biopsied. One duodenal ulcer with clean base. Normal second part of the duodenum and third part of the duodenum.  This was biopsied.”  So, to make a long story short, he explained that most likely the amount of Ibuprofen that I take for pain management has induced some erosion in my stomach, but it is all mild.  This may or may not be the cause of my vomiting and lack of appetite, however, by taking the Pantoprazole, I can heal the erosive sites and remove them as a cause.  So, again, nothing earth-shattering revealed, though, I am on track for removing possible causes one by one.  I will speak with my family doctor here in about an hour regarding the other symptoms I have, as well as the results of this test in regards to my overall condition.

So, as far as the morning after is concerned, I feel almost spectacular compared to how I was feeling yesterday at this same time.  I got home – the drive was uneventful until almost home where the roads get bad.  Then I ended up trying to sleep off the headaches from dehydration and the ill feeling from the procedure itself.  I crashed on the couch at first and managed to watch an episode of “Bones” on Netflix.  I couldn’t make it through a second one, though, as I was starting to feel very unwell.  I ended up going upstairs to catch a shower – sometimes there is nothing like a nice hot shower to help me feel better (even though it makes the environmentally conscious part of me cringe in horror) – but ended up falling asleep on the bed instead.  I woke up around 7:30 when Lisa got back from the store with some food.  I wasn’t hungry, but forced myself to eat some mashed potatoes and a Popsicle.  I felt sickeningly full.  I tried eating some saltines over the course of the evening as we watched a couple more episodes of “Bones” off of Netflix, but didn’t have much luck.

Still feeling not quite so well, I took two Tylenol PM around 2230hrs, and went back to bed.  I ended up getting up twice last night (this morning) to pee.  The first time I felt like I really had to, but couldn’t.  That sucks.  The second time I could.  This morning I feel much better.  I am supposed to eat more fiber.  Apparently I don’t eat a lot of it.  I will adjust my diet to include this.  They’re going to make a healthy person out of me, yet.  I already eat a mostly low-fat, low-dairy diet due to having no gallbladder and a slight lactose intolerance.  Now I can add high fiber.  The medication doesn’t sit well with me, but I will do what I have to in order to get this stuff fixed.  Well, I have to get ready and head out of here for my doctor appointment.

Perhaps I will have more news when I return.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012
2259 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

I just walked into my office and shut the window.  It was open due to a slight mishap with a pizza earlier this evening.  Only the pizza was hurt.  3rd degree burns.  No hope for recovery.  Anyhow, the reason I am in here is to post before I have my procedures done tomorrow.  The day has not gone well.  Thus the lack of posting.

I reacted badly to my Miralax cocktail and ended up vomiting most of it back up with some blood.  I called the doctor and he advised me to simply continue with what was left of it (you have to drink 64 ounces of it) and then take the 4 laxatives and drink water up to midnight.  I think I am okay for the procedure, but fear I will be up most of the night finishing the “cleaning out” procedure.  Yay…

So, anyhow, I am going to head off to finish drinking some water and wait for my bowels to evacuate completely.  Pretty sexy stuff, I know.

Rawr!

Tuesday, January 03, 2012
1052 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

I have the window open and the morning sunlight is reflecting off of the cinderblock walls that are so popular here in Arizona, fencing in the back yards of the homes, and filling my office with gentle light for me to type this post out by.  I’m busy slowly eating my way through a handful of Blueberry Frosted Mini Shredded Wheat squares.  It is normally all I can eat (or force myself to consume) early in the day since I lost my appetite.

I have been focusing on my photography this morning.  I contacted two women I have had model for me in the past and asked them about possible projects in the next week or so.  I hope something comes of it.

I am listening to Amy Lee belt out the lyrics from My Immortal through the speakers on my computer.  This song always makes me think of Independence, Iowa.  That is the first place I heard the song.  It was tied to a relatively bad time in my life.  In contrast, Disturbia by Rihanna, the song that is playing now, makes me think of here and now in Arizona.  It’s odd how songs get connected to times and places.  Smells are the same way, though.

Anyhow…

Orianna, my youngest, brought the guitar she got for Year End Celebration, and rested it next to mine by my desk.  When I say desk, I actually mean 6 foot folding table.  The industrial white ones made from indestructible plastic polymers of some kind.  I have a dual monitor setup and a full sized tower that does not mesh well with the run of the mill computer desks, but the more applicable reason for not having a wooden desk of some kind is the transient nature of my life.

We move about once a year.  As renters, especially in this market, it is a hazard.  We have had three homes since we moved to Arizona.  The first was sold out from under us.  The second was not constructed correctly and the management was less than spectacular about addressing the issues there.  This one is in foreclosure since the homeowner has not paid the mortgage on it since October of 2010 – before we even moved in.

Nice.

We would really like to own a home, but for some reason, those who make the rules would rather give a home to someone who just had their home foreclosed or filed bankruptcy over someone who hasn’t paid their rent late in over 5 years.  It’s crazy.  The financial game makes me sick.  I won’t get on that right now, though.

So, this post wasn’t really about anything.  Cool.  I suppose if this blog was actually being written for some sort of readership I wouldn’t even bother posting this, but since it is for me, I am going to post it anyhow.

Until we meet again…

Monday, January 02, 2012
2202 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

I can hear the children arguing out in the kitchen over their chores.  I am sitting in here wondering at the two days worth of writing I have accomplished.

Well, I was doing that.  Then I took a break and jumped on the “diagnose myself” wagon for a bit of diversion based on some thoughts after looking at my health log I have started keeping.  The results sucked.  What is it they say about self-taught folk and the like?  Yeah, I think it applies to self-diagnosing folk as well.

Anyhow, I took a look at some photographers who fall under the umbrella of “artistic” instead of looking at the ma and pa “portrait studio” folk I have been comparing myself to lately.  It gave me some direction.  I don’t feel so out of sorts anyhow.  I am simply like the ugly duckling, comparing himself to the other ducks and wondering why he doesn’t fit in.  He wasn’t a duck.  And I’m not a portrait photographer – at least not like the run of the mill variety you find out there.  I have also been trying to network on modeling sites and wondering why I don’t seem to get their whole deal either.  They are too cramped and rigid.  It doesn’t feel right.  It’s because I am not a runway or fashion photographer.

I have nothing against any of those types of photographer.  Not at all.  I like some of what I see there, but I want to do things and take risks and make art.  Maybe not take a picture to sell the dress or the model, but to take a picture of hurt, or loss, or love.  You can’t sell those things.  Not the real thing.  That is what I want to capture.

Art.

For such an objectively-minded person, I am certainly quite subjective in my tastes.  I want to take pictures of the night.  Of the stars on a clear night with a woman sitting on a porch wondering where her husband is and fearing the worst that she already knows from late nights at work and phantom whiffs of perfume caught then and again on her husband’s shirt.  I want to take pictures of the crushing agony of defeat as a young farmer stares out at his crop, flattened by the winds and hail of a freak storm, the insurance policy he just renewed crumpled in his hand with regret at not adding the rider for this event.

I want to capture life.

Then I want to share it with the world.

Monday, January 02, 2012
1510 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

I found the paperwork for my procedure and am glad I did.  I thought I was supposed to be there at 11:30 and it turns out I have to be there at 10:30.  Yeah.  Fail.  It is also helpful to know exactly where it is I am going as well.  I am having an Esophagogastroduodenoscopy done as well as a Colonoscopy.  I tend to joke that I hope they do the procedures in that order as well.  Because, well, you know…

Anyhow, as ridiculous as all of that is, this is just another milestone in the myriad of medical procedures and guesses that I have gone through in my life.  Sometimes I feel like I spend more time in the medical realms of this world than any other between doctors and surgeons and specialists in this or that or the other thing.  This procedure (or set of procedures) are actually quite simple.  Hopefully they provide some insight into what is wrong with me.

I start prep for them on Wednesday at noon when I begin consuming clear liquids and laxatives like some kind of junkie supermodel before a big shoot.  I keep going till nothing but clear liquid is exiting the factory.  Then it’s nothing after midnight.  Get up on Thursday, head over to the imaging center and wait to be violated like some kind of drunken prom date in a bad porno flic.

The end result?

They will tell me, after I awaken from the drug induced stupor they put me in, why I have lost my appetite, have intermittent fevers, mystery stools, bleeding, and painful areas in my abdomen among a host of other issues with my kidneys and such.

Except they won’t.

They never do.

They remark on abnormalities, give vague advise on levels of this and that, and recommend following up in 6 months “Just to be sure…”

Sure?

Sure of what?

That they have money to buy their kids the newest gadgets next Giftmas?  Really?  Yeah, I am a bit jaded about the whole ordeal.  I have watched my health slowly decline over the last ten years to the point where it is actually quite disturbing in some ways, and have yet to have a single medical professional wow me with their vast intellect or amazing diagnostic skills.  Certainly not to the extent that the exorbitant fees they bill to my insurance, (when I have it), make any sense whatsoever.  But that is the way of things.

Wow, this post is a downer.  I’m going to go work on some stuff I have to get done.  Maybe I will post again later when I’m not in such a crappy mood…

Monday, January 02, 2012
1324 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

I have been working on a plan for my future.  Of sorts.  I am not too sure about my future at this point.  There are too many variables.  There are too many uncertainties in my life.  I am too confused about what it is I want to be when I grow up.  When does that happen anyhow?  Growing up?

I am now 33 years old.  To some of you that will sound ancient, to others, just right, and to still others of you, it will sound young – just starting out in life.  But the funny thing is, those points of view may have very little to do with how old you are.  Age is such a varied measure of time but used to measure so many varied things in life.  When we start school, when we can drive, vote, purchase alcohol and cigarettes, when we can run for President of the United States or live in certain communities.  It determines when we are “Over the Hill” or young enough that our points of view are irrelevant.  When we are old enough to know better, but still too young to care…  She’s too old for that dress, but too young to die.  He’s too old for her, but she’s at the prime of her life.  They’re perfect for one another…  Who comes up with this shit, anyhow?

I don’t know.

At 33 I am just out of my twenties, my teens fading fast, and firmly walking down the path my thirties are cutting through time, fearful of how fast the road to forty is approaching.  But do I feel any different than I did at say, 16?  As my oldest son turned 16 just a few days ago, I had to wonder about that.  I don’t feel as if I was his very age, in the process of bringing him into the world, all that long ago.  I am supposed to be an adult now.  I know I am.  But I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot in common with people my own age.

Maybe it is context.

I spend the greatest amount of time with my nearly 13 year old daughter and the peers I attend class with at community college.  That puts me in a range of interaction with 13 to 22 year olds.  I don’t normally see a great deal of difference between them and myself, but then again, sometimes I really do.  Is that the difference in our ages, though, or the differences that are always there between myself and the other people I meet in life?  Between the socio-economic factors in my upbringing, the health issues, the darker issues, and my odd perceptions based on a collusion of the aforementioned facts, I have always been different.  If I had been born a decade or so later, I would probably would have been identified as an Aspie or something along those lines due to my social awkwardness.

Here I am – rambling along, in the digital expanse of the internet.  Back to point – my future.

Why do thoughts of my future take me back to my past?  That is a good question.  I am trying to remember, was it Heidegger who was consumed with the now as a question of the past and the future?  I cannot remember.  I should go back over my materials on the philosophers.  But before I do so, I will close by making the point I started out with regarding my own future.  What am I doing with my life?  Is this some sort of existential crisis I find myself in?  What is life?  What am I doing with my life?  What is the purpose I am here to accomplish?  Why is it that I believe I have any purpose at all?

Maybe I will find out.

In the future.

Monday, January 02, 2012
1131 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

Music is a very interesting creation of humanity when you stop to think about it.  Seriously stop to think about it.  Songs can do so much to a person on an emotional level, but in the end, on the most basic level, they are strings of mathematical expressions that can be reduced to electronic signals and reproduced and manipulated in a variety of ways.  The mathematical expression is nothing new to anyone who has studied music or played an instrument.

I have done neither.

Not enough to call myself a musician by any stretch of the word, however, I have a deep and abiding curiosity for music on a topical level.  Full notes, ¼ notes, timing and rhythm.  That is one way to look at music.  Then you can look at music as a series of disturbances in the air molecules that, depending on location and medium, can have varying impacts on the tympanic membrane of the listener, then interpreted by the transmission of vibrations to the auditory nerve as a signal that the auditory sections of one’s brain turn into coherent messages.

That last part is the fun one, though.

Interpretation is where it is all at.  What sounds “good” to me may not sound good to you and vice versa.  That is where experience and influence of culture come into play.  Is there an objectively universal expression of mathematics that is found to be subjectively “good” by everyone?  I find the thought fascinating.  It fills me with excitement as the heavy guitar and bass of the A Perfect Circle song I am listening to pounds out of my speakers and subwoofer to fill the room around me.

Coffee.

Yes, how’s that for a transition?  Let me try harder…

Much like the rhythms of music that fill the air bring contentment to my ears, the aromas of a perfectly brewed cup of coffee bring peace to my soul.  A good cup of coffee is a lot like a good song.  It just fits, feels right, and makes one feel like the day is complete.  The coffee I am drinking right now is smooth, black, and just below piping hot.  There is a slight edge to the taste as I didn’t drink it fast enough and had to nuke it.  I am not sure why, but once a cup of coffee has cooled and been reheated, something significant is lost to it.  One can simply taste that it is not the same.

Of course, after the final days of my Introduction to Anthropology honors course were completed, I couldn’t look at any cup of coffee the same.  We watched a film, well, most of the film as we ran out of time to complete it, called Black Gold.  I recommend the film highly to anyone in America who drinks coffee, and frankly, to those who don’t as well.  It follows the plight of the coffee producers in areas such as Ethiopia as compared to the business executives and workers in America and abroad (those in developed nations) who brew, sell, and consume the beverage.  There is a striking difference.

Very striking.

I have purchased only Fair Trade coffee since watching the film.  It isn’t a lot, I realize, but it is something.  One person may not be able to change everything, but if enough people change something maybe everything will be different in the end…

Monday, January 2, 2012
09:09 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

The second day of this year has dawned.  A Monday, the beginning of the week, but all I can think about is the end of the week.  I have two procedures scheduled for the end of the week.  An Upper G.I. and a colonoscopy.  Then I have a follow up appointment the next day with my family doctor.  I was also supposed to do some adobe work this week, but I have prep for the procedure that day, so I won’t be able to do so.

What an interesting week.

The following week is the last week of break before I start back to classes.  That should be interesting.  When this break started, it seemed like I had so much time.  Now, it is like all of that time has slipped through my fingers.  I wonder if that is how it will feel as I die?  All of my life has slipped through my fingers and I will wonder where it has all gone…
Well, I have to hop in the shower and get stuff done today.

Perhaps I will figure out why I am writing so much this year…

Sunday, January 1, 2012
2335 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

This evening I took a photograph of myself using my phone.  I will do so every day this year so that on December 31st, 2012, I will have 366 images of my face to time-lapse.  It is a leap year this year.  Thus, the extra image.
Maybe this year I will also learn a foreign language and how to play the guitar.  Maybe not.  I would just settle for some better than average answers to my medical issues.  I guess that will have to wait.

I didn’t shave today and it itches.

Anyhow, I was going to bed last entry, and the ‘morrow breaks soon, so I should go to bed now.  Perhaps tomorrow I will have awoken with some clarity on these issues that press me this evening.

Or not.

Sunday, January 1, 2012
2248 hours AZ Time
San Tan Valley, AZ

Sustainability, Psychology, and Photography
Sustainability – I focus on this in my education.  Psychology – I am currently getting a degree in this.  Photography – I spend a great deal of time and money on this.  What about my other interests – physics, writing, cybernetics, genetics, astronomy, engineering, inventing, space exploration, human advancement, anthropology, sociology, political theory, technology, futurist theory…

So, what is so important to me that I would write about it on a fairly consistent basis, yet common enough that it would be found engaging by a large audience?  That’s really the question.  I’m just not sure there is anything out there like that.  Maybe I’m just not that interesting.  And really, why should I be?  If I were interesting I would probably be looking for ways to fade from public view and have some privacy.  Is that the measure of success?  When you no longer want it?  Who knows?  Not me.
But it would fall in line with my thoughts on the opposite paradigm.  It seems so obvious that I am sure I’ll read about some researcher from Harvard or MIT “discovering” the principle one of these days.  Most of the best ideas I have do seem to come to light through other people.  And what is that all about anyhow?  Why can’t I be recognized for these ideas?  Why can’t I get credit for at least one of the things that I come up with?  I don’t know but I am sure the reason is right in front of my face.  Funny Shane… It’s me.

I had to stop and let that one sink in for dramatic effect.
Current influences include the TV dramas “Bones” and “Numb3rs” via Netflix.  Graduation semester at CGCC is also a factor.  Dr. Darien Ripple and Darby Heath as well.  The seeming loss of two of my sons is another big factor that eats away at me… digs at me over time.  The suicide of my father in law is another.

Why am I writing so much again?

I don’t know.

I will sleep now.

23:27 hrs…